This is the diary & short stories of Shalee Lianne Cerra, in the fictitious universe, New Eden, in the game of Eve Online. Come be a part of her world...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Entry Sixty Five: A few scribbled words

Evening sunlight bled though the tangle of vines above her head and slanted down in pale beams across the bench where she sat, busily scribbling away in a journal. She'd just bought the thing spur-of-the moment at a small outdoor market on one of the planets she'd landed at for some downtime.

She'd taken it with her as she escaped the busy streets, finding solace in an empty public park. Discovering a nice cove by the water, she sat and jotted down her thoughts, musing on how long it'd been since she'd written anything by hand.

I'm on Roushzar, planet 8. I don't remember the name of the town, something that begins with an E, I think. It's quaint, quiet. Real. I spent the whole morning browsing an outdoor market. People watching. Chatting. It's strange to walk among them, knowing that I will outlive them. There was a boy, he was about seven or eight, big brown eyes. He just stared at me with his youthful innocense, shyly smiling. And all I could think about was his future. He will grow up soon and live an ordinary life. Marry. Have children. Die.

And I will never change.

I don't think it ever really hit me, until that precise moment. Immortality. A gift or curse? There are a million arguements out there about it, surely. Some who wander the stars deem themselves demi gods, and I suppose it is so. We are not God, but god like. We have evolved from an ordinary existence into this supernatural state of being, where anything is possible.

But is that the truth? Have we escaped death, truely? Am I the Shalee of my first death? Did my original soul bond with this clone, or am I just someone who harbors the memories of another? Has she gone to God and I have taken her place?

I don't think I've ever really questioned before because it doesn't really matter, not in the grand scheme of things. New soul, old soul, when I die I will wake up in some Amarrian cloning facility and thrust back out onto the battlefield. Everything else is trivial.

Or is it?

I should stop thinking so much.

I have been out of my old corporation for ten days though it feels like an eternity. I miss it, I miss the people more than anything. I feel like I have let so many people down. I guess it did seem random to them, I've received so many communications asking why. Why did you leave us? Will you come back?

I cannot tell them the truth, of course. I cannot confide my darkest sins to those who have meant so much to me.

And so for now I must keep my distance, for I will not tarnish the reputation of the Praetorians with what I have done. Blood is on my hands and I have sinned... and I cannot, cannot let PIE be involved. Let the public believe I have been inquisitioned, sent away. It is far better this way then bring shame upon those who are so very very dear to me.

However, one good thing has become of my leaving. Had I never left, I would have never found myself at The Last Gate one evening, involved in conversation with a Gallente. A war target. It would have been unthinkable before, but now I find myself with so much freedom...I couldn't resist going there. At first I didn't realize what he was, he said hello and well, I engaged him in conversation, then found out he was a goddamned enemy.

To my credit I did walk away, but we did meet again. Randomly. And he asked to speak to me privately and I took him to a Cathedral that is very dear to me to talk (the one I took Davlos to. More on *that* later.)We spoke at length, and then met again another day where I posed a proposition to him. That he lay down his fight and leave the minmatar militia to join me on the battlefield.

"I have a proposition for you. Look. I know you look at the Amarrian Empire and you see nothing but slavery. You see a system that took your fiance from you, and you want to place the blame of what happened in that one moment on the whole of the Empire. But you're wrong to do that. I will not carry that sin, that horrible sin. I know that you're still hurting and I don't blame you, I would too. can't judge the whole for the actions of a few. Theres more to this Empire. Our glorious Empress has already released so many slaves and is working to free them all I believe. It is God's will, because she is an instument of God. Therefore...what I propose is this. You leave your militia and join ours, pray with me, try to find God, and I will do my best to help fulfill the wishes of the Empress..I will become an abolitionist. To work in secret to free those who are not yet free."

And so that is how I have become an abolitionist. It makes sense, I have never been a champion of the system and abhor slavery. Always have. My Father was a slave breeder, he made his fortune on the misery of those he could sell. How I hated it then, and since I have left the family, I had all but turned a blind eye to the injustice of it. But not any longer. I cannot stand by and do nothing.

His name is Feinlyn, he is a Gallente, and I believe that we have changed each other's lives in the space of a few short days. He has given me a new direction, a new passion, something to make my existance meaningful. In return I've given him hope. Something to believe in, the idea that something greater than ourselves and our simple misery is out there and worth trying to understand, worth fighting for.

So, back to Davlos. I cannot help but see the parallels between Feinlyn and Davlos. Both men were searching for something, hurt by something, and I was compassionately drawn to them for some inexplainable reason. Something inside of me responded to their hopelessness and despair. How could I not try everything in my power to help them? To help them find some kind of solace and comfort?

I just hope it is enough. Davlos grows frustrated with me though he hides it. He wants more. He thinks I should not wait for Raphael, but instead be with him. It is so simple to him.

It's all very frustrating. Waiting for Raphael. This endless war. Facing my past. Waiting for my future.

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