Entry 134: Amarrian Doubts

Kourmonen Star System
Ishukone Station

The camera drone beeped and a tiny series of lights flickered as it began to record. It hovered near the raven haired girl as she sat on a walkway in her personal hangar. Her legs dangled off the side, arms propped up on the lower railing.

She glanced down at the floor below, watching the thousands of crew members as they finished up their shift, readying themselves to vacate the place until further notice.

The atmoshpere was somber, a heaviness hung overhead, a smothering blanket of collective emotion. She darted her tongue out and licked her lips, almost tasting the weariness on the air.

Over twelve thousand crew member losses in a forty eight hour period. Two abaddons, two hurricanes, and one harbinger down in a flame of glory.

"Glory for who?" she scoffed, muttering under her breath.

There was no glory in dying. Sometimes it was too easy to fight against the odds, never considering the countless crew members lives she was risking when she recklessly engaged.

"But I almost made it the second time," she thought. "Almost. Goddamned Zenton Karvash. "

The fleet was suffering heavy losses in the battle on the Houla gate in Kourmonen. Orders were given to disengage and get the fuck off the field if at all possible. Of course she was tackled, it was one of their favorite tactics. Her only hope was to approach the gate and jump through as soon as her aggression wore off.

Every second seemed like an eternity stretched out in front of her. Her body tensed as she waited, nervously counting down the seconds, hoping that she'd make it through.

Red rolled across the display as her shields were penetrated. Armor was breached, chunks of tungsten peeled away, littering the sky around her. Sirens blazed and all she could do was wait, pray, and hope to jump.

Powerless to do anything else, she continued her approach, drifting with no cap, no systems online. Everything was dark save for the HUD lighting up as the structure was ripped into. The abaddon shook with every assault. 90%. A second later, 50%.

Suddenly everything lit up with a swirl of watery blue as the battle ship jumped.

She exhaled a breath of relief.

"So lucky! You almost-" Adde said over comms, "Wait, Zenton is there."

The grid finally loaded and she saw him, not even 12 klicks from her, Zenton Karvash.

Don't do this, I can't fight back. Don't.

It was an impossible situation. She couldn't jump back through, she'd never make it to the gate in time, and even if she did certain death waited on the other side.

Hoping to be spared was pointless. He finished her off in the matter of seconds.

Six thousand dead littered the sky as she warped away.

The fighting raged on, and within hours she lost two more ships.

She hadn't suffered that kind of losses in months.

Later, Bahamut, CEO of the Minmatar Militia corporation, IFW, contracted her a hurricane with a message that there'd be more if she would defect.

Strangely she was charmed by the gesture.

She couldn't help but let her thoughts drift to -what if-. What if she defected? What if she suddenly left Amarr and fought for the other side. How would it feel to join IFW?

She'd flown with them before, a couple of times in joint fleets under Predator's command against pirates. And once or twice she'd joined them on her own to fly in null sec to hunt without anyone ever knowing.

They were an easy bunch and she liked them. Well, all except Zenton. He could die in a fiery explosion for all she cared.

She tried to imagine the look on Laerise's face as she flashed with the TLF star on her overview.

Giggling, she let the fantasy play out. She'd want to kill her in a thrasher, somehow it seemed fitting.

Reality nagged at the edges of her thoughts, forcing her to stop thinking about it. It was no use, she simply couldn't fight against the rest of the Amarr Militia. She tried to imagine killing those she flew with frequently; Eran, Saint, Aldrith, Koltus, Nortel, Vadeim, Avalanche, Almity, Ryven, and Maz3r. It was just impossible.

The camera drone chirped, rousing her out of her reverie. She looked to the floor and noticed the place was empty save for a couple of tech's who were on their way out.

"Open secure file." she commanded as she stood up. The camera drone followed her as she started to walk the catwalk, gazing down at her small fleet of vessels on standby. "Record."

"Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if Eran would have tried to convince me to turn to the Minmatar side when I first met him. He never really tried, it was always me pushing him to come to Amarr."

"Finally he did, and now our militia is all the better for it. I can't even imagine what things would be like without him here. He leads armies, sometimes for the 'glory' of Amarr. And sometimes simply because I ask, because I have this restless need to be out on the field."

"I was so strong in my conviction back then, so sure that I was doing the right thing, fighting for the right side. And it's strange to think that back then, I was hardly worth more than a drone out on the field. I had no skills, no experience, no one really knew me, and yet I had this passion, this unwavering loyalty for Amarr. My conviction alone forced Eran to turn and others to defect."

As she paced, the drone panned out, recording the entire hangar in a panorama view. "And now? Over a year later and I am a viable part of any fleet. I have the experience, the skills, and an insatiable lust for battle. I have gained trust from fellow militia pilots. I can rally a fleet and soon will lead them."

"And yet...the stronger I grow, the more I doubt," she admitted as her blue gaze slanted upwards, lingering on the Amarrian banner that hung from the ceiling.

"Save file. End recording."