Entry Fifty: Losing Arzad

Solar System: Tararan
Sovereignty: Amarr Empire
Constellation: Jayai
Region: Devoid
Location: Space Station

"It took him less than twenty four hours to contact me again." Her voice was slightly muffled as she held a blood-soaked tissue to her nose. She'd just come out of the pod a few moments prior after a small skirmish inside of a military complex where she'd lost a coercer to a pirate.

"Granted he barely said two words, just 'Arzad is vunerable, grab your harbinger and meet up with the fleet' but I guess he didn't really have time for an apology. Though at this point I don't know who should be apologizing to who. We both said things, and well.." She shrugged.

"Anyhow, by the time I got undocked in Amarr, the fleet in Arzad engaged and as I got one jump out, the battle was over and Arzad was lost. I listened to the chatter over voice comm, waiting for the second wave to rally up. After fifteen minutes or so Garst called it off, there simply wasn't enough pilots nearby to make a stand."

"It was Halmah all over again."

"Within moments I rounded up a few pilots to start a plexing patrol. By that point I needed to focus on something immediate, something to shake off the feelings of defeat."

She chucked the bloodied tissue in the bin and grabbed another. From time to time she'd get nasty nosebleeds when pulled out of her pod by someone other than her trusted crew. At the moment the Tararan pod-medics ranked only slightly above the Minmatar and Star Fraction on her shit list.

"We did an extensive patrol, had a few skirmishes here and there, but over all we managed a full defensive sweep and defended a lot of complexes."

Her thoughts were racing. She was exhausted and buzzed at the same time, having to rely on stimms to keep her going the last hour of her patrol. No wonder she fucked up and lost her ship to that pissant pirate. She was worried over the war and couldn't quite focus because of Raphael and Garst. Raphael because he was leaving and Garst because of her fight with him. The previous night had unnerved her. In a short amount of time he had sent her emotions spiraling all over the place. And she hated to admit it to herself, but a part of her was afraid of him. Before, when he was in PIE his larger-than-life presence was tempered by her commanders, by rules and order and military command. Even when she confided her darkest secrets to him she knew he wouldn't ever really hurt her. But now she wasn't so sure. Now he was answerable to no one.

His words echoed in the back of her mind, "Do you feel safer with or without me fighting for you? Do you sleep better at night knowing im at the gate holding the barbarians at bay?"

He thought he was saving her from the barbarians but who would be there to save her from him? Could he not see what he was becoming? His lust for the fight was consuming him, turning him into something dark and powerful, someone to fear. "You're not the man I once knew."

She tipped her head back while keeping the tissue pressed against her nose, starring at the recessed lights. A part of her wanted to just run away from it all, to leave PIE, the war, and everything that came with it. She longed for a break though she knew in her heart that she wouldn't walk away. Not now, not while the pressure for reclaiming Arzad was on.

Her thoughts drifted to Raphael. She had a little less than four days left with him and she was stuck here in some goddamned holding room while she waited for Scotty to ready her ship.

Four days and then he would be gone. But she wouldn't think about that now.

Liar.