Entry Eighty Four: After the fall

Snowflakes fell just beyond her window, dotting the night sky with a sudden splash of white. Yawning, she watched the snow as she settled back on the oversized chair, her thoughts drifting.

Though Arzad had fallen a mere two months ago, it seemed much longer. So much had happened in such a short time, it was hard to remember how her life had been before she had met the infamous Minmatar General.

An assignment she had ended up falling in love with.

A sworn enemy, a man who had fought tirelessly to 'liberate' Arzad from the Amarr, only to step away from the fight after it had fallen. Granted, he hadn't left the minmatar milita, but he did step away from his patrols.

When he should have been spending his time in military plexes, he spent his time following her around. It went unnoticed when she had been doing solo patrols, though it had become difficult to hide when she was with others. She had tried to send him away but it hadn't worked. She told him she needed time to think, hoping he would realize how much he belonged with her and would make the decision to leave the Minmatar and be with her.

Instead, he just found her on the warfront again, doing anything he could to be close to her, even if it meant warping into a squad of Amarrian pilots while in a military compound.

He had locked and jammed the other pilots, leaving her untouched.

She shuddered as she remembered the FC's orders to take him down.

She had followed orders and shot him.

That same night she sent him a tearful letter.

Dear Eran,
I know that we said we would take time apart, but that seems impossible when we cross paths on the battlefield. I know you must hate me for shooting at you, I know you probably think I wouldn't do it, that I couldn't....and definately if I were alone I wouldn't have.
But orders are orders and duty is duty and I have devoted my life to this cause.
It means everything to me and nothing at all to you.
I see that now.
It's very clear, it's all so very clear now.
I can't do this.
I can't love you and be at war with you. I can't give myself to you and have you take from the Amarrian people.
You are an enemy. To my people, to my breathren who fly under the same colors as I ..and to me.
Eran, this is impossible.
I can't be in that position again. To have you under my guns with my FC screaming at me to take you down.
Tonight made me realize that I can't ...can't. Can't be in love with you anymore.
I have to let you go.
You are a soldier of war, a great General for your people and that means something to you.
I fight for this cause, have devoted myself to it and that means something to me.
Maybe some day after this war is nothing but a story in a history book, maybe we will cross paths again.
Until then,
Shalee

Shalee,
I've been sitting in my apartment for the past three hours trying to figure out what to say to you. I know the words I offer aren't much in the way of comfort, and I wish we were together right now.
Please, don't give up on us...this isn't impossible, this is REAL. My feelings are real, and it didn't take me but two minutes after you were gone to realize it.
I don't blame you for firing on me; honestly I shouldn't have been there in the first place... and neither should the Minmatar in that system. I realize this...I knew what your orders would be.... I knew what would happen.
I knew warping in there was suicide; I would be unable to fend off one of you, let alone four...I don't know what I was thinking other than I just needed to be around you for a minute or two.
I'm sorry... sorry I had to push you to do something you didn't want to do...I'm sorry for letting you walk out my apartment two days ago, when I knew...I knew it wouldn't matter how long we were apart...
Love, Eran

She had lasted all of two days before finding him at Soft River, a tavern he owned and lived above in a loft. She had waited for him, only to find him returning on the arms of his ex, Sophie Starsparrow and her friend, Cynn. The pair had brought him back from a long night of hard drinking.

Shalee had been beyond furious. Calling upon an air of Amarrian arrogance she rarely showed, she traded sharp words with the two Minmatar females and sent them on their way, almost daring them to start something with her.

A few short weeks later Eran defected to the Amarrian Militia after a soul searching trip to the Vol'shun on Arzad eight.

Her gaze slanted to Eran as he lay sleeping in the bed. Their bed. She watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and longed to go to him, to wake him and have him wrap his arms around her. Instead, she let him sleep as she pulled open a journal she had bought in the town behind the Keep, she started to scribble..

***
Since becoming a capsuleer I've kept some sort of log when I could, mostly a video feed, but theres just something therapeutic about writing by hand.

Last night Karmilla Strife had dropped by the Keep, a former comrade of mine from PIE. Earlier in the night we had done a short patrol together in Iesa, and I had invited her over after we had finished.

She was musing on her life, the choices she's made, the things yet to do. Granted we didn't have a whole lot of time to talk but after she left, it got me thinking. I know that Eran is going to leave, I know he is going to null sec at some point...

But I don't care anymore. As long as he can find a way to come back to me, I will marry him.

I told him last night he should buy me a ring. He was suprised, of course. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so bold or forward...but I don't want to lose him. I just want to be with him.

Tomorrow we will go look at apartments, both in Huola and Kour, something close to the warfront, though in my heart our home will always be here in the turret of the Keep.

Theres a lot to figure out before we can actually be married, mainly how to annul my marriage with Charles Raine. It's not like it is a real marriage, one that I had any choice in. It was arranged by our parents when we were very small. I barely knew him. And when I had run away from my old life, I figured he would have had it annuled.

...but he has not.

Instead, he has joined the Knighthood and flies beside me. Lives at the Keep. It is a strange thing sometimes, to sit between the two by the fire, married to one, a lover to the other.

Most residents of the Keep and those who visit frequently have grown accustomed to the delicate situation, though sometimes we will have a new guest give us an odd look.

Both have been exceedingly polite about the whole thing. Eran is sympathetic to Charles, and Charles has been nothing but the epitome of kindness to Eran.

If only the rest of New Eden could get along so well...