Entry 149: The Horrible Things We Have Done

"What do you dream of?"

She stared at the ceiling, watching the blades of an overhead fan bleed together as the cool air fluttered wispy strands of hair about her face.  She brushed them away as she spoke, "Sometimes I dream of being a child, of when my Mother was alive.  And sometimes I dream of flying, of battles that I've been in."

"I believe it is your memories trying to sort themselves while you sleep."

"Probably...but sometimes it's still hard to figure out what's real and what's not."

"Tell me what's real about the last five months."

"What do you want to know?"

"Tell me about your corporation."

"We were deployed to Otosella for a while and then called back to the war zone.  We currently reside in Egghelende but were stationed in Arzad for a brief time."

"And the people you work with?  Tell me about them."

She furrowed her brows as she considered his question.  "There's a lot of them.  I guess I'll start with Eran. He is still a part of the corporation though for a while he wasn't.  They even said he was dead but we had a copy of his clone that no one knew about.  A precaution after what happened with me.  So we were able to bring him back without knowing who or what was responsible for it.  But he's different now."

"Different how?"

"Withdrawn.  It's as if he doesn't know what to say to me any longer.  We fly together but I never see him otherwise."

He nodded, "And the others?"

"There's Ryven.  He just got married to Leela- it was out of the blue.  At least to me.  But he seems happy, that's all that matters.  And I do like her.  Phione, well, he's sort of a guardian angel to us all.  I don't spend much time planet side with him but I trust him ."

She hesitated before continuing, "Almity..." She chewed the inside of her cheek, hesitating again.  She darted her blue gaze to the doctor.  "I feel like I'm betraying her trust by speaking of this."

"Anything you say here is confidential, you know that.  All I'm trying to do is help you, Commodore Lianne."

She nodded, "Almity is loyal to the Empire, I do not doubt that at all.  She's just...she has her own way of showing her loyalty.  Some do it on the battlefield, and some step outside the realms of militia and space combat. I know that she's killed Minmatar out of pod. Contract work.  It's as if she's some sort of thrill seeker...as if she enjoys it."

The doctor nodded, "That's not so uncommon for a capsuleer."

"I know.  She confided to me about her 'sidework' and then offered to introduce me to the one who provides her the contracts."

"Did you meet with him?"

"Yes.  I had to.  I had to know exactly what Almity was up to, who she associated with...how far she would go."

"What has she done?"

"Murder."

"Not so uncommon for a capusleer..." he repeated.

"Killing in space is vastly different than killing with your own two hands."

"How so?"

"I don't know, it just seems so...personnel."

"Did you take a contract?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"I met a man who supplied the Minmatar.  Being a merchant wasn't reason enough alone to kill him.  I investigated him a bit...he was a bad man...and well, he deserved to die."

"Have there been other contracts?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I prefer to use lasers and missiles not silver-tipped blades."

"Tell me more.  About the others. The more you speak of them, the more you will remember, it will reinforce those memories and override any confusion you may be having.  Tell me about the people you trust."

She shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, "Kato Aivoras.  He's fearless on the battlefield.  Wylona is too, though I didn't know either of them before the accident, I think.  Look, I don't know how this is going to help me, talking about work."

"Fine.  We will save it for later.  Let's talk about your personal life.  Are you still engaged?"

"Yes.  Very much so."

"And when will you marry him?"

"I don't know.  It's hard to have a relationship with someone who is half across New Eden most of the time. We see each other when we can but it's difficult."

"Have you asked him to join you?"

"I cannot ask that of him.  He has his own life, his own responsibilities to his corporation."

"Then join him."

"I will not leave the Empire, he knows that.  Maybe after the war.  Though...I don't know.  There are certain things that are not resolved."

"Such as?"

"There are still two months of memories unaccounted for- the two where I got involved with Tiger.  And I don't know why I did it.  I don't know if my feelings were genuine for him at the time or if I had an ulterior motive."

"Can that possibly matter now, over a year later?"

"Yes, if he was some sort of contract, if I was using him for whatever reason...if I was trying to destroy him, then he deserves to know, perhaps.  How can he love me if I wanted to hurt him?"

"If it were so, do you think he would be able to forgive you?"

"I don't know.  Perhaps. He loves me desperately but at the same time, I know what he is capable of, I know how truly dark he can be...how evil he has been.  I am afraid of turning him back to that, to that man he once was, when he was a part of the Sani Sabik."

"He has renounced his faith, hasn't he?  Before you two got involved?"

"I believe so...but I think if we were to part he would find comfort with them again.  And surely Revan would delight in having her control over him once more."

"I believe it would be best to be as truthful with him as possible, despite the consequences.  Otherwise you're living a false life and that will not help you clear up your memory issues."

She laughed, the irony not lost on her, "I've been living a false life my whole life.  But you're right.  I should probably tell him everything.  Tell him I might have become involved with him to murder him and every one of his clones.  And while I'm at it I might as well make confessions about Zenton."

"What would you confess?"

"That I...once..." she exhaled a soft breath while rubbing her hands across her face, "That I saw Zenton...slept with him, I mean.  Before I ever knew Tiger, he can't be angry about that.  Zenton and I have a past, but no one knows what happened...no one knows that we weren't careful and I became pregnant.  Zenton didn't even know.  Once I found out, I cloned jumped...I just needed time to sort it all out in my mind.  And then he joined the Minmatar and I couldn't dare tell him."

"And what happened to the child?"

"She's safe, far away from the war zone, a place where no one can find her to use against us.  She will never know about us, her true parents, or the things we have done...the horrible things we have done to one another in the name of duty and war."