Entry Seventeen: Choices

One can repent and pray for forgiveness. - The Scriptures, Kuria 4:23

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The video snapped into view, showing Shalee languidly stretched out on a bench, tucked away in a private alcove inside the Basilica.

"Last night Beaux, Talfryn, Larzah, Zenton and I took out battlecruisers for wormhole exploration. Despite not finding much, I was really glad to have been invited to go. It was my first time flying my Prophecy. I've had the ship for a while now sitting in the Amarr hangar though I've only recently trained the skills to fly it."

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth."A part of me was reluctant to take it out because Zenton gave it to me."

"As we returned to Amarr, all the Praetorian pilots were invited to Paradise to celebrate Captain Newell's one year anniversay. I almost didn't go but at the last minute I popped in, just to make an appearance. I don't know where I stand with Mitara these days so I think it's better to just avoid her all together. Also I figured the brass would be there as well and it's probably best to avoid them too."

"I've never seen the place so busy. I really didn't stay long, chatted with Darius for a few minutes then left. Garst noticed."

A breeze ruffled her hair, blowing it off of her face. Self consciously she brushed it back into place with her fingers to hide the slight bruise along her cheek.

"He followed me to the Basilica, or maybe it was just some kind of ironic twist of fate that he showed up then, who knows."

She fell silent for a moment.

"It was a bad combination I think, him being intoxicated and me being on the verge of a breakdown."

She absently picked at leaf from the vine that twisted around the alcove.

"I've just been so restless and tired. I want to sleep, I want to relax. I want to be who I am without having to hide, without having to live in fear. Always wondering if this is going to be the day they find out the whole truth."

She wetted her lips.

"And it all just boiled up to the point where I couldn't hold it back anymore. I was just so sick of it all, and there he was, looking at me expectantly, saying he wanted to help me."

"We took a walk around the gardens and he asked me again, practically pleaded with me to be honest with him."

"So I told him. Just like that I told him. Everything. About the past, about V. Every single little thing I told him and all he could do was stare at me for the longest of moments, shocked."

She lifted her fingers, touching her cheek lightly."He was so god damned angry. He started yelling and screaming, then he backhanded me and all I could do was brace myself because I know he wanted to kill me."

"I think in that moment I wanted him to kill me too."

"I just wanted it over" she whispered.

"Somewhere along the way he calmed and then he started talking about God, how I could be forgiven if I would repent."

"I told him I didn't even know how, and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to, because I was just so angry at God."

Restlessly she shifted on the bench.

"In that moment the truth packed a harder punch than Garst had."

"I do believe. I'm just angry with him, angry for all that has happened. Garst told me God loved me and that there was a purpose for everything, that it would be revealed in time. He said I needed to repent and beg for forgiveness and that if I was truely sincere, he would help me."

She shook her head.

"He wiped away my tears and held me til I stopped crying."

"I left with him because I couldn't face Zenton after that. I didn't want him to see my bruised, tear stained face and do something we'd all regret later. I want to explain everything that has happened while we are on Inis, far away from everyone else."

She glanced across the open garden to the chapel on the opposite side.

"Today I prayed and for the first time in a very long time, I think God actually heard me..."

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