Entry Eleven: Revelations

And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them.-Book of Revelation

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Theres so much thats happened over the last three days I don't even know where to begin.

I saw Aldrith at Paradise, he seemed to have forgiven me for what was said. It was a slow night then, I had a few glasses of wine in the company of Mitara and Zenton, listened to Aldrith's recite some poetry.

I had taken the opportunity to write off a few letters so I wasn't paying too much attention to the conversation. Mitara had started rambling about God. I did my best to ignore it, even when she directed her questions towards me. That is the last thing I need right now, for the Brass to be interrogating me about what I believe.

It's not like I've always been this way. I once believed. I once was a true Amarrian, God fearing..I believed in the angels, the scriptures, that we were his chosen.

And then...when I was twelve, it all changed.

Zenton knows..

He found me at Paradise the other night and I asked him to go to Inis with me, that I needed to talk with him. Once there, we walked out to the water, like usual.

Her brows draw together, her expression distressed. Her vision blurs as tears start to pool. She exhales a soft breath.

Garst had given me a sidearm one night to defend myself, I still had it on my ship. I put it into Zenton's hand, made him hold it against me. He didn't understand, he just looked at me like I had lost my mind, looked at me with such love and desperation. I made him promise not to let go until I had finished, until I had told him everything. He reluctantly agreed.

She inhales a long breath and exhales slowly, trying to relax, trying to find the strength to finish the recording.

And so I did it. I told him everything. I just started talking, trying to make him understand why.

She darts her tongue out and licks away a tear that had fell against the corner of her mouth.

I was twelve.

Silence.

I watched his face, trying to imagine what he was thinking, what he felt. Disgust? Sympathy? Compassion? A myriad of things, no doubt. He said I wasn't to blame, he said it wasn't my fault.
She shakes her head as if still arguing with him about it.

And then....and then I told him about V.

In that moment, I braced myself, waiting for it all to end. I just wanted to be done with it, I was so weary of it all, so tired of the deception.

"Why?"

"It wasn't all a lie. What I felt for you was real."

He took a step back and he raised the gun. I told him to do it, to get it over with. I wanted him to be the one to do it. Better him, he who had loved me and had taken such care of me, better him than someone from the Inquisition. I shut my eyes and waited, tensed, ready.

"You know by every right I should execute you..."

"You have every right to kill me...just get it over with."

I prayed to a God who didn't exist and asked for forgiveness.

He grabbed me by the chin, forced me to look at him as he threw the gun into the lake.

He forgave me.

Terminate Log.